What I'd really like to say

As I opened the mornings emails a groan escaped my lips. There were three emails, two from Russia, one from the States. I knew none of them were going to be pleasant.

The first email - I am disgusted that the school would send my child to a place with third world conditions. My son will see a dermatologist urgently or there will be consequences.

The son happened to be on a school camping trip. He'd been bitten rather badly by either the mosquitoes or the sleeping bag he had used was full of bed bugs. The problem had resolved, the bites fading. Nothing a dermatologist could do.

The second email - I am writing to you because of the substandard care my daughter received. My daughter now needs surgery because you didn't bother to x-ray her. She has a fractured tail bone...

The daughter had self discharged from hospital, she said she wasn't in pain. And who the hell operates on a broken tail bone anyway?

The third email - I want to know how you can let children leave campus and get so drunk they end up in hospital...

The boy was celebrating his 18th birthday and his parents had given permission for him to leave campus and go to the city. They said he would be staying with his uncle. The hospital never called the uncle. They called me. I never saw the uncle because he never bloody existed.


What I wished I could say

The first email, the bedbugs - Dear Parents, do not threaten me or tell me what to do, ever. Your son got bitten by some bugs. This is what happens when you go camping. The bugs could have come from his sleeping bag, which you bought for him, or from some rather voracious mosquitoes. The bites have healed fine. A dermatologist would be of no benefit, other than to make you look desperate to blame someone for something that really is nobody's fault.

The second email - Dear Parents, Have you forgotten that it was your daughter that discharged herself from hospital because she was sick of waiting for an x-ray. Have you also forgotten that I recommended she stay, but she insisted she was fine and in no pain. I have never seen someone who actually has broken their tail bone be pain free and sitting fine in an upright position. I have also never seen someone have an operation for a broken tail bone, but this would not be the first time I've heard of absurd treatments from Russian doctors, although I am aware that with $20 US dollars you can get a doctor to write what you want from over there.

On another note, I hope the behavior witnessed by myself and the other nursing staff in the emergency room where your daughter was admitted was not typical. She was rude, abusive, obnoxious and generally appeared to be a spoilt, selfish, nasty little minx. I wonder where she gets this from

The third email - Dear parents, How can we expect to be held responsible when you say they are staying with relatives and take them away from campus. And since I haven't seen any sign of this uncle who was supposed to be looking after your son, and since it was I that got out of bed at 2 o'clock on sunday morning to drive two hours to the city to see your son, you should be on your knees thanking me. But you're probably feeling guilty for lying about this uncle, and I know you're lying because your son has admitted there never was an uncle. And now you're looking for someone to blame. Well take a look in the mirror.

Oh and this is not the first time your son has been in trouble for drinking, although it certainly is the worst. He says he's been drinking at home since the age of fourteen. I don't want to judge, but feel I must say that this is illegal.

I won't bother telling what I really wrote as that is too boring, too damn politically correct and cover your ass.